I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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