Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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