I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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