I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
