i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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