I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
3 2 1 whiskey
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
