and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
