Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
