The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
