Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
