Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Sorry about my life...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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