Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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