Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i was born a porn star she said
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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