And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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