We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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