I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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