SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
