Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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