i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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