I think I died a long time ago.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
