tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
