dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
