I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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