Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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