It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
