Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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