when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
