No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
