I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
