I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm too high and old for this...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
