two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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