this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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