3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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