i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
A bitchslap is in order.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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