his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
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I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
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I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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