You smell like stripper and shame
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
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Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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