i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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