i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
