He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
