He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
