i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my sisters under your porch take her home
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.