I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving