I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
