Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
