It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
