She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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