how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
