Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
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When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
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So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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