do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
