i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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