Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
