i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Girls should come with a carfax report
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
