just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
