he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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