i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
