Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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