Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
