she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
