you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
