in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
