apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
