he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
