if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
