i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
