well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
