OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
