my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drunk is a universal language darling
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
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