you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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