It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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